Rethinking Sex: From Linear Scripts to Circular Pleasure
Many of us were taught a very specific “script” about how sex and intimacy are “supposed” to happen. It goes something like this:
Meet someone → hold hands → kiss → make out → oral sex → penetrative sex → orgasm → done.
This is called the Linear Model of Sex, and it’s the dominant framework many of us learn from school, media, and even relationships. But here's the problem: this model is restrictive, expectation-driven, and deeply disconnected from how desire and intimacy actually work for many people.
The Problem with the Linear Model of Sex
When we view intimacy as linear, we internalize the belief that every step “should” lead to the next. For example:
If we cuddle, it means sex is coming.
If we kiss, we’re supposed to move toward intercourse.
If we touch or are touched, we feel obligated to go further.
As a result, we may start to avoid intimacy altogether unless we’re sure we want to “go all the way.” Cuddling, kissing, or caressing becomes loaded with pressure and that pressure can lead to avoidance, disconnect, and resentment.
It teaches us to override our own boundaries or misread someone else’s. It also reinforces the harmful idea that the goal of intimacy is always penetrative sex and orgasm and leaving little room for exploration, play, or consent-driven connection.
Introducing the Circular Model of Sex
Now imagine a different way of relating to intimacy: The Circular Model of Sex. This framework invites curiosity, communication, and flexibility.
When we embrace a circular approach, we:
Stop assuming we know what our partner(s) want.
Ask more questions about what feels good in the moment.
Remove the pressure to “perform” or “progress” toward intercourse.
Embrace all forms of intimacy, not just the ones we've been taught to prioritize.
Consent, boundaries, and pleasure become central. There is no fixed destination. Just the moment, and what feels nourishing in that moment.
Sex as a Charcuterie Board
Let’s get playful for a second. Imagine sex and intimacy as a charcuterie board.
Sometimes you want a slice of Gouda. Ten minutes later, you're in the mood for Brie. Then maybe you crave salted cashews… or you change your mind and go for olives instead. Tomorrow? Gouda and apple slices.
This is how the circular model works. Your cravings are allowed to shift. Your desire doesn’t have to follow a script.
Ask Yourself: What Am I in the Mood for Today?
A deep make out session in bed?
Cuddling on the couch while watching a show?
A moment of playful role-playing?
Maybe oral sex sounds great… or maybe hand sex feels even better.
Maybe you want penetrative sex… or maybe not today, and that’s okay.
This model honors your "yes" and respects your "no". It gives space for spontaneity and emotional safety. It reminds us that you’re allowed to change your mind, explore pleasure in new ways, and take penetrative sex off the pedestal.
Why This Matters
Growing up, many of us were taught that sex is linear, goal-oriented, and defined by penetration and climax. Many schools still teach this model, one that ignores pleasure, consent, and individuality.
When sex starts to feel like a chore or an obligation, we disconnect. We’re no longer in our bodies. We’re pressing the brake pedal while trying to drive forward.
But when we redefine sex through a pleasure-focused, circular lens, everything changes. Intimacy becomes an experience, not a task. Connection becomes more authentic. Consent becomes ongoing, enthusiastic, and mutual.
A Few Reminders:
It is okay to say “no.”
It is okay to change your mind.
It is okay to want one thing now and something else later.
It is okay to explore intimacy in ways that don’t involve penetration or orgasm.
Most importantly: it’s okay to center pleasure — yours, your partner(s)’s, or both — on your terms.
Let’s challenge outdated beliefs about what sex is “supposed” to be. Let’s make room for desire, choice, communication, and curiosity.
Whether you're in a long-term relationship, casually dating, or exploring solo, the circular model of sex invites you to reconnect with your body, your desires, and your power to choose.